Convoluted Characters ©1998
Herein follow just a few samples of 75 character sketches for the person with writer's block. These are invented people who are described in poetic form to help the writer who has nary an idea in his/her head. This book of characterizations accompanies the
Writer’s BlockBuster ©1986
Human Hybrids
Typhoid Mary Poppins

Not a damsel in distress
and not a gal demure;
she had a troubling rare disease
for which there was no cure.

Instead of doing civic work
and helping pain to ease,
she slid down chimneys in the night
and helped to spread disease.
Emanuel Ax Murderer

He mauled piano solos and he
screwed up all the runs.
He fumbled with the ivory keys,
and wrong cadenzas spun.

The critics held their ears and moaned
could not the gaffs believe;
and when he butchered the best parts,
they all axed him to leave.
Jesse James Beard

Ride, shoot, steal, rustle
boil, steam, saute brussels;
round the ranch, the plain, the plateau
boeuf a la orange en paupiette to go.
Eartha Kitt Carson

Dark throaty cat voice
jazz tones, blues choice
purred on a white stallion
mezmerized a battalion.
At the Apollo was charmin'
out west was disarmin'.
Papa Doc Severinsen

Down in Haiti
all around the isle
this jazz guy
played tunes with style.

Islanders heard
his music as cruel
but he used his dis-chords
to maintain the rule.
Jesse Norman Mailer

Her voice was a bell
like soft corn silk
smooth, melefluous.

Her mien charismatic,
not superfluous.

So imagine the shock
and dismay midst the throng
when she belted staccato
“The Executioner’s Song”.
Christopher Robin Hood

He rode with a gang of thugs and bears
who lived in wooded lush green lairs.
Instead of giving cash to the poor
they rustled bee hives by the score.

His thirst for honey was unquenchable,
you couldn’t stop him - he was not benchable.
On finding a hive, I am told,
he gulped it down, that pot of gold.
Fictional Figures
Mapoor Patella

Mapoor Patella,
unhappy fella,
born to Untouchable caste;
forced daily to grovel
from palace to hovel,
prayed that an end should come fast.

To his knees relegated,
all of life second-rated,
found his lot too much to bear;
so he finally conceded
a third-rate orthopedist
each of his knees could repair.

The repair ineffective
left him sorely dejected,
the caste system he strongly maligned.
“I’ll find a head-shrinker,
become a clear thinker,
put an end to the life I’ve consigned."

When enlightenment came
he was never the same;
his new enhanced ego was strong.
He eschewed his caste-birth
and with fanciful mirth
went to live in exotic Hong Kong.

Popinjay Warts

He dressed to the nines,
his clothing was fine;
he wouldn’t be caught dead in “thermal”.

There was but one blight
for him a great plight,
an inherited gene that was dermal.
Nanky Poop

Three little maids were very silly
running around all willy-nilly;
trying so hard to get the scoop
and watch unnoticed, Nanky Poop.
Convoluted Characters
Sir Isaac Figg Newton

Climbing to his tree-top perch,
toting figs to aid his search;
He dropped a couple far below....
Squish squash, they landed in a row.

This all gave Isaac food for thought,
“I’ve found the answer that I sought.
What goes up, must sure come down.
A theory for gravity I have found.”

“And just to help me earn some money,
I’ll sell some sweets with figs and honey.
I’ll need a name that’s rootin’ tootin’.
They should sell well if they’re called ‘Figg Newtons.’
Groucho Marxman

A grumpy guy, and funny, too
famous for quick retort,
he made his name in comedy
then switched to killer sport.
Billie Jean King Arthur Ashe

Double the trouble
double the fun
two tennis players
rolled into one.

Known for their skill
known for their loyalty
connected forever
by mythical royalty.
Virginia Woolfman

By day she wrote insightful text
that rambled through her mind;
at dusk she went into the night
to see what she could find.

Her role as female was conflictual
she craved events to change her;
so nightly she sought human victual
by strangling random strangers.
Mata Hari Krishna

The Spy who came in
from the cold, you have heard
was no foolish, rat-talker stool pigeon.

But one day while quite tired of
intrigue and guns hired,
She turned in her badge, got religion.

On street corners she sang
Krishna songs and was hootin',
but at least she avoided
the stabbings and shootin'.

Rosa Parks Herself

"Coloreds in the Back”,
the sign read.
Rosa took a seat up front, instead.

And there she sat, determined, firm.
Neither tear gas nor taunts, nor jail
made her squirm.

The driver threatened,
the people shouted;
no way she’d let herself be outed.

A great fire she stoked,
a battle helped win;
fierce pride in herself,
equal rights for all kin.

If time leaves you stoic
and dead on a shelf,
think of how Rosa parked herself.
Beauty and the Breast

A lovely lass, a beauteous creature
her up-turned globes were her proudest feature.
And though her breasts were great, single or double
they really caused her endless trouble.

Sent off to live with a horrid beast
her status as a Vargas gal, just ceased.
And ogling men in all shapes and sizes
no longer stared at her two prizes.

The beast, he loved her sorely well
but ‘twas her cannine teeth drove him mad as hell.
He said, “This is the acid test,
give me your cannines, I love them best.”

“With my canine teeth I can easily part,
but my up-turned breasts are too close to my heart.”
So she held to her breasts, ‘bout her teeth didn’t care
and the beast kept her always in his gussied up lair.
If you are interested in reading the complete
Convoluted Characters, a book of 75+ poems
that bring to life the invented character names,
Click here > PHD


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